Dean's List.

Do you ever wonder if you're doing the right thing?
Possibly in the middle of all your industrious vigor you stop for a moment and think, "Wait, am I going in the right direction?"

I had one of those moments today.

I also looked in the mirror and finally saw my age beginning to show. My eyes were tired and motionless. I no longer had the lively curious eyes I once had as a child.

One time while my mother and I were waiting in a parking lot, I climbed to the front seat and mimicked her. She pulled down the visor and checked her make-up and I copied her movements, staring at myself  in the visor mirror. I want to be a woman so badly. I wanted to wear nylons, and heels and press soft Chanel lipstick across my lips. I remember something distinctly that day though. I looked in the mirror and I tried very desperately to see myself as an adult, a full grown woman. And I did. Except the image scared me. For a split second, I saw bags beneath my eyes, lifeless skin that was losing color and droopy blank stares. I jumped back for a moment and shut the visor immediately. I thought maybe I had watched something that made me see that face in the mirror, because I convinced myself that was not me in the future.. I was going to be that perky sophisticated woman who wore Ann Taylor suits and performed every task with the finest delicacy.

I looked in the mirror today, and I saw the same exact image I did in that car visor as a child. Except I didn't turn away and I didn't deny that was my reflection for a single second.

I'm exhausted.